OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
