time to smoke my breakfast
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
