In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My breasts were aching with rage.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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