He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
