Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
