this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
