Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
