i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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