I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
