Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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