Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
