I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize