just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Boobs speak an international language.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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