you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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