no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We have started to decorate penises.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
