Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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