Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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