Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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