He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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