we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
