Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Just high enough for therapy.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
