you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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