so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
