you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
