I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
