Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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