If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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