Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I love you.
Bad choice
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
