how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize