Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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