hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
