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I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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