I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
