She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
