I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
