You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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