turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
