the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
