my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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