i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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