my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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