$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
