I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
