I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Randomize
