Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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