Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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