woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
