Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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