he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
