I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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