i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
