____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
