he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
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