Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
