Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
