I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
