Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
