I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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