So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
