I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
