i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Did you pee in the oven last night??
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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