If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
